Here’s a tricky situation: you start reading someone through a negative lens, which changes how you interact with them. They respond in kind, which seems to confirm your negative views. Cue vicious cycle.
In any situation, you are both observer and participant, whether you realize it or not. And often, you’re responding not just to the person in front of you, but to your story about them.
This mind-bending topic was the subject of episode 33 of Traction Heroes. Harry brought a reading from Nir Eyal’s Beyond Belief to set up the conversation. Here’s one of the key bits:
More often, it’s our brains creating problems because none exist. Since perception follows belief, we perceive the problems we look to find and if we can’t find them, our brain skews the data to fit the brief. If you believe your partner is constantly criticizing you, innocent comments transform into attacks. If you believe your boss doesn’t value you, any feedback becomes proof of your perceived inadequacy. This cycle becomes dangerous when it reinforces our negative beliefs, locking us into a belief-driven feedback loop that distorts reality and quietly builds a prison of our own making.
I’ve been there, and I’m sure you have too. You may have even unwittingly flipped someone’s “bozo bit,” leading to a strain in the relationship that can be hard to undo.
The question is: what can you do about it? As with so many other topics we’ve discussed in the podcast, it comes down to self-awareness: having the wherewithal to step back and realize you’re layering meaning onto situations.
Easier said than done! For one thing, you want to perceive clearly to avoid misreadings. But you don’t want to lapse into paranoia, which can also cast a negative valence.
Often, our misperceptions become obstacles to gaining traction. Surfacing them is a start, but we also explored practical suggestions in the podcast. Check it out: