In terms of sheer volume of words, factoids, and data of all kinds, this is surely an information age. But in terms of understanding, wisdom, spiritual clarity, and civility, we have entered a darker age.

— David Orr, Verbicide (1999)

You know how Mr. Rogers said that in a disaster, you should look for the helpers? I have a similar hack. In complex, challenging, ambiguous, momentous situations – and there are many these days! – I look for the adults.

The adults are people who:

  • make clear-headed assessments using relevant, timely, accurate information — including (but not solely) what their guts tell them.

  • respect people’s worth, dignity, and agency.

  • acknowledge nuance and are open to compromise and win-win scenarios.

  • understand the context and history of the situation.

  • grok the difference between urgency and importance.

  • acknowledge that perfect is the enemy of good.

  • have enough relevant life experience to stand behind their words.

  • value taste — and have the confidence to express theirs.

  • move pragmatically, without drama or posturing.

  • act with integrity.

  • don’t avoid hard truths.

  • deal with reality (rather than platonic ideals.)

  • demonstrate (rather than boast) competence.

  • have no agenda higher than steering the group skillfully through the mess.

  • accept responsibility.

  • don’t take themselves too seriously.

Meeting all these criteria seems like a big ask. But they often go together.

Adulthood isn’t a given. There are plenty of “grown-ups” — some in influential positions — who don’t live up to the title.

I try to show up as an adult. I don’t always succeed — but I’m clear on the goal.

If anyone else is “more adult” in the situation, I follow them.

And if I can’t identify other adults, bringing them forth is the goal.