A few weeks ago, I did something bad. Every day, I take a long walk while listening to podcasts on my Apple Watch. The app I use developed a bug after a recent update: whenever I paused, it would lose its place in the show. As you may imagine, this was annoying, so I avoided pausing.
One morning, I came in from my walk to find my wife making breakfast. It was the first time I’d seen her that day; she’d gone to bed after me the night before as she struggled with a task. After wishing her good morning, I asked how it had gone. You can imagine what happened next. Rather than fully listen, I kept the podcast playing. I tried lowering the volume, but fumbled. As a result, I could only partly hear her. It was disrespectful, to say the least.
I brought up this story during episode 24 of the Traction Heroes podcast after Harry read a short snippet from the book You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy. Among other things, it included the following:
Listening is a courtesy and, more fundamentally, a sign of respect. It’s impossible to convince someone that you respect them by telling them so. It must be demonstrated, and listening is the simplest way to do that.
But listening is no easy task. Our magnificent brains race along faster than others can speak, making us easily distracted. We overestimate what we already know and, mired in our arrogance, remain unaware of all we misunderstand. We also fear that if we listen too carefully, we might discover that our thinking is flawed or that another person’s emotions might be too much to bear. And so we retreat into our own heads, talk over one another, or reach for our phones.
Whether we’re doing it unconsciously, as in the cited passage, or consciously as in my story, technology now gives us more opportunities for distraction and ways to add noise to the channel. The result: diminished relationships. Because of this, we must pay greater attention to how we pay attention.
Obviously this is critical in personal relationships, as in my story. But it’s also important if you’re hoping to gain traction with work. Check out episode 24 of the podcast for thoughts on how to listen more attentively.